I would really like your input on the first few pages of the book The Vault that I am writing.
I previously posted my poetry prelude to introduce the book in the poem The Vault of the Exalted
Please feel free to leave your comments below and if you would to give me a fuller review please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I look forward to your feedback. I’d really like to know if it is engaging, does it hold your interest and make you want to read more.
I will wear my thick skin so say what you need to say!
Thank you for taking the time to read and for continually supporting me throughout my writing journey.
Chapter One – The Summoning
“Let me in, please, you need to hide her, PLEASE!” Pleaded the lady.
He was trying to stop her, to keep her back and out of the house, she was pushing her way into the mudroom. He stared at me, his brown hair disheveled, green eyes piercing me, questioning me. He was always looking to me for answers.
I stood there in my kitchen, newly renovated, all creams and moldings, granite and stainless steel. This room had been such a big part of my life. Occupying so much of my time, flipping through magazines for inspiration. I wanted the kitchen to feel ‘warm and welcoming’. But not this welcoming. Now I wanted out of it.
The room was silent. The floor felt hot, like warm honey sticking my bare feet to the wood. I felt consumed by the honey creeping up through my body muffling my ears making my blinks slowed, my breathing thick.
Standing there, my freckled arms hanging at my side, my hair still wet from the shower, a bead of water dripped off the end of a curl, I could almost feel it bounce up as the drop fell to the ground, hitting the floor with a thud.
The room was still and quiet, slowed.
He had her by the arm she was pulling and yelling.
“PLEASE she needs to be somewhere safe. It’s almost time!”
The woman was in her early 20’s. She had long rusty colored hair full of waves and lengths. Pale faced, tired looking, very tired. I couldn’t help but notice her earrings, they dangled from gold hooks the earrings appeared to be plastic checker pieces, halved and orange with little holes at the bottom. In the holes hung yarn knitted in a type of cable stitch with wood beads. They reminded me of an old 70’s stitched lamp. Why would anyone want to wear such a thing? She seemed oddly out of place.
They swayed back and forth as she thrashed and pulled against him.
“Let go of ME!” she yelled.
The sun shone in through the window clashing with the light flowing from the space between his eyes, it twinkled in the light. It was a reminder of what he was. Would I ever get used to this, to him? The revelations of the past week had changed everything, everything I’d ever known to be truth, my entire reality had changed, not only my feelings for him.
“Amy!!” his voice pulled me out of the sticky honey and back into the moment.
“Hide who?” I mustered.
That’s when I noticed her, a young girl around ten, standing in the doorway. Eye’s the brightest of blues. She looked unsure like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. Her hair was a dirty blond, pulled up high into a disheveled bun. She wore a tartan kilt, royal blue and yellow, with a sleeveless velvet vest worn over a white blouse. The vest was colored with a silver braid and buttons down the front. She was wearing matching tartan hose. The feet in the tights were worn and dirty, with a few of her toes poking out, one looking swollen and bloody.
The woman pushed her hair out of her face with the back of her hand. Looking at him spitefully she stammered “We were 4 kilometers outside of town when we heard the emergency broadcast. My sister sent me a text. You can still text you know even though you can’t call. Maya was waiting to get picked up for the Highland show but no one showed up. They said if anything like this happened they would come and retrieve her but no one showed up!! There are no cars on the roads. So we ran into town. You were the first house to answer the door. Please, she needs to be some where safe when it happens!”
The highland games were being held this weekend. The community and surrounding towns were bustling with people. The games attracted many people from across the country. It was a national event that brought a lot of dignitaries, this year even the Prime Minister himself would be in attendance.
“Please let her stay here. I need to find her parents. No one will look for her here.” She pleaded.
“Keep her safe, you said keep her safe, from what? Do you know more than what they are telling us?”
He was still holding onto her firmly “Let go!!” She yelled pushing him over. He stumbled backwards, tripping over the dog’s leash on the floor. Her earring fell out of her ear and landed on his chest. He lay there stunned, the place between his eyes illuminating the room.
The woman grabbed the girl and opened the door to the laundry room. She tried to flick on the light but it didn’t work since the power was out. It had been for hours. His illuminating drained everything around us, the power was out for blocks.
She sat Maya down, hard, in the corner on the floor.
“Stay here and don’t move. Do not leave the room, even if you feel like you must. Please Maya do you understand me? Do not leave this room! I will get your parents and be right back. Don’t move!!”
The girl just stared blankly, blinking.
The woman turned to me “Don’t touch her, leave her there. I will be back soon with her family.”
Stepping over him she bolted out the door, her hair and yarn knitted poncho flapping behind her.
I looked up at the clock it was 7 minutes to 8:00. I rushed over to my Mac Book flipped it open only to receive a low battery warning.
Texting would still work the mysterious woman had said. 911 was not working but if I could find the local police stations phone numbers maybe they could receive a text. Emergency breakthrough messages poured over the towns loud speakers repeating the message to head outdoors at precisely 8:00 am.
“Amy?” He rolled over onto his stomach rubbing his forehead casting dancing shadows throughout the room as his hand blocked the light. Holding the earring in his other hand he looked up at me. It was hard to tell which shone brighter, the glimmering spot or his bright green eyes.
He rose to his feet putting the earring into the pocket of his worn out jeans. He some how seemed taller, or maybe I felt smaller.
“Amy everything will be fine but we have to get outside. We must be in the front by 8am!” he soothed.
“But the girl…”
“The girl will be fine, she’s safe in here.”
He approached me outstretching his hand to me. I reached up to meet his hand. His fingertips were warm. His hand covered mine. He looped his other hand around my lower back and pulled me close. He smiled at me warmly the corners of his eyes crinkling ever so slightly.
I still trust him.
©Jennifer David The Exalted 2013
- The Vault of the Exalted (writingsofamrs.wordpress.com)